There was once a little frog named Gus. He was a good little frog, always paying attention to his surroundings, since his mother always told him to be careful of dangers in the pond. He had a friend named Lucifer, who was another little frog who would always get into trouble. Lucifer didn’t care about rules, he felt he knew everything and always called the other little frogs, “WOGS” !!! Because they always jumped into the pond when danger was near.
As the light came near to the lilys where the little frogs were singing, they all jumped into the water except for Lucifer. “Where did everyone go?”, “awww you guys are a bunch of “WOGS”. At that moment, Lucifer was by himself and wanted to impress the Frogs who were hiding under the water, away from harm. He croaked with all his might, as if he wanted to prove everyone wrong around him. Just before he inhaled another deep breath, his eyes brightened the pond like the morning sun.
The flashlight the humans had, met Lucifer's eyes, causing his location to be found because of the reflection. At that moment, Gus and the others watched in horror as the pitch fork was thrust forward and soaked into Lucifer’s chest, causing his limp body to rip through the lilly he was sitting on. They heard his bones crack as the barbed hooks met their target. As soon as the attack started, it was over. the frog gig was lifted out of the pond, accompanied by cheers of excitement from the humans. The Light from the boat had faded away as the shallow boat was quietly paddled along.
The little frogs slowly reached the surface of the water, being careful to avoid the bloody water that was slowly blending with the surrounding water. Gus swam home to tell his mother what had happened. “I told you little Gus, Listen to your elders and learn from our mistakes”.”It could save your life”
If you wanted to extend the story even further, I would try fleshing out the characters by offering more background. E.g., a backstory involving the main character's father being taken by a human, or a brief history of human vs frog warfare (The Battle of Dead Lilly Pond).
ReplyDeleteThis follows the classic structure and hits many of the elements of a typical fable. While the goriness of Gus's demise is kind of funny because it comes so unexpectedly, the tone doesn't really work with the rest of the story. Maybe just get rid of the bones crunching and some of the other graphic details.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, my only suggestion is to clean up some of the grammar. It's nothing major--just a few glitches here and there. You should be able to find them by reading it aloud. If it sounds weird, chances are there's a problem.